Dear Men

I love you. I share the same chromosomal makeup, the same, general body design. I’ve gone through struggles you’re dealing with; some have overcome me…others I have conquered. Know that we are in this life together, fellow brothers navigating the world. So, I hope you hear what I’m about to share in the intent that it is given – from a brother who wants you and all of us to succeed. From someone who cares.

We’re in trouble. And we could blame everything around us for putting us down, for being against us, or for failing us in some way. But in all reality, the problem is us. We cause so much hurt in the world, to ourselves and to others, and it’s time to look at what we’re doing.

Bart shouldn’t be our role model.

Let’s start with school. In several books on male development, Dr. Leonard Sax shares five factors that are holding young men back from achieving in schools and in life. He shares that video games, teaching methods, prescription drugs (Ritalin and the like), testosterone disruption, and devaluing of men in the media may be sending boys into a decline as they navigate increasingly uncertain and unfriendly waters. We know these things, but what are we doing to counteract them? These five factors affect boys throughout their adolescence and even into college. I work on a college campus. It saddens me to see the percentage of men attending college slowly dropping (down to roughly 40% of incoming classes this year), with even fewer sticking around to graduate. Even those men who do attend college perform much worse than their female counterparts – I’m talking GPAs 0.1 – 0.3 lower on average. We should be embarrassed by this, but instead we make excuses or dismiss striving for excellence as “unmanly” or “uncool”. If you’ve read any portion of this website, you know that Reach, striving to better yourself and those around you, is a mark of true manhood. Time to embrace that in college. It’s easy to offer excuses and to resist changing to fit how society provides education; what’s truly needed is men looking at how they can overcome or counter these limiting and damaging trends.

Once men graduate (if they graduate), they find themselves in the working world, a place where boy’s club and dog-eat-dog mentalities still rein. Rather than working together to accomplish things, men cling to a competitive mindset, where they view another’s success as a personal defeat. All signs point to our society becoming more collaborative, not less. We cannot continue to tear men or women down in our hurry to get to the top. We must be supportive, encouraging, everything our inner caveman doesn’t want us to be. And we must do this for everyone, not just the folks who look like or sound like us. It’s time to extend some of the manly virtue of Respect to everyone.

Finally, can we agree that all persons are deserving of respect? Even if they are *insert any negative descriptor here*, they are still human beings. When I think about respect, the most important issue that comes to mind is respect existing in a relationship. Respect is essential to a healthy, positive relationship, and especially necessary where sex is concerned. Now I know that in the heat of the moment, when your lizard brain takes over, that it’s hard to remember to respect the other person’s wishes and make sure they’re alright. But, just so we’re all on the same page – yes means yes; no doesn’t mean yes; maybe doesn’t mean yes; and certainly, silence doesn’t mean yes. Respecting someone requires you to actually ask, rather than making assumptions about what they want. I promise that having this respect for a partner will make everything in and out of the bedroom so much better!

I’m still a work in progress just as you are; I’m not perfect. But we have to stop hurting ourselves – believing in the “coolness” of not trying, leaving a pile of bodies or careers in our wake in our quest for triumph, and clinging selfishly to our rights in relationships. There are many other ways we hurt ourselves and the world, but let’s focus on how we can repair the world. We have to start Reaching, supporting, and Respecting. Then, and only then, can we begin to solve the problems we see and cure the dis-ease that is in us.

Yours in love,

MD

 

DNA of Masculinity – Reach

In the quest for the mature masculine, how do you know if you have reached it? One method of knowing is to look for certain traits that appear in the mature male but not in boys. These traits make up the DNA of mature masculinity and are generally taught and enforced/reinforced during a boys time in liminal space. We have already examined two of them – respect and responsibility – now we look at a third: reach.

What is reach?

Reach could encompass many things. It could describe a man’s relationship to those around him – reaching out to gain and give help. It could describe a man desiring things well outside his grasp – a reacher would seek things he cannot afford or feasibly gain. But, for our purposes here, reach encompasses the spirit of man that seeks to constantly better himself and better the world around him. A man that reaches is never satisfied with where he is (this doesn’t mean he’s not content) and knows that he ought never stop improving.In work, this is the man who doesn’t settle for status quo, who always challenges and pushes things to be better.

This is the man who, while a promotion would be desirable, is more focused on making himself and all he touches better. At home, this is a man who takes the pride in his house and family that he looks for new ways to provide for and help them. This is the man who conducts home, self, or other improvement projects rather than serves as an armchair football coach. In the world, this is the man who is involved in the community and in his children’s schools, hoping that by some contribution he might be able to make things better for those around him. Lastly, this is the man who is never satisfied with his relationship with his God and Creator. He is constantly thirsting that he might know his God more; this is the man exemplified by Paul writing in Philippians 3:10:

“[For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death”

Why reach?

First and foremost, reach is a part of the mature masculine because the mature man knows that he is never done learning and growing. Imagine, if you will, a man who, after he has been initiated into masculinity, just stops trying; if this happens, the initiation has failed him. The mature masculine is won once, but maintained by exhibiting this and other characteristics of it. Thus, a man must constantly strive to be better, and the mature man will, knowing what is at stake in his life and the world.

How is reach taught?

The teaching must begin in childhood. Much has been said about encouraging children to do their best. We must also encourage them to be better. In the beginning, we must provide and model reach for them, continuing to read and exercise and practice and get better ourselves at those things we have in our lives. As young boys grow, we must provide ways for them to get better, subsidizing their reach until they are able to begin reaching themselves. This will occur naturally, as the boy finds his passions, but he must also be taught that reach is a matter for the whole of life. Again, modelling is key here. Pity the young boy who does not have someone sharing and showing a desire to get better and make better.

Reach is what enabled man to fly. It’s what led to the discovery of new medicines and medical techniques. Reach in a man pushes him; no longer is extrinsic motivation needed; the desire to get better comes from the mature masculine inside. There is no need for a partner to push him; he feels and acts on his internal reach on his own. The mature masculine calls us to constantly be better – reach is the internal characteristic that drives us there.

To making ourselves better men and making the community around us better by our actions,

MD

 

Weekend Words – Reach

No man is an island. As much as Die Hard movies would have you believe, you can’t do everything on your own. Much of the time, we’re too stubborn to ask for this, but we can gain and give so much from reaching. Reaching can go three ways:

Reach down to help others. Find young males around you who need that model in their life, that person to pull them up higher or further along in their quest for the mature masculine. Reach your hand out, let them know you’ve been there before and can help them along the way, over the obstacle, or through the rough patch.

Reach across to journey together. You’re not making this trip alone; you need people by your side to encourage you and keep you on the right track. Reach across to tap into others’ strengths, to achieve something you may never have done yourself. Reaching to let someone know you care, even just with a simple touch. Reach across, pull together. Encourage someone and receive the same.

Reach up for help. Just like young males need a model in their life, so you too need a mentor. You have to reach up when you find that person to let them know that you want their help. Reach up to make a connection. Reach up to be pulled higher in your life.

All three directions of reach require something of you that will make you a better man and person. Reaching down requires empathy and mentoring; reaching across requires friendship; and reaching up requires humility. These are marks of the mature masculine, and reaching is one way to live them out.